Random Musings|Chat with me!

“We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.”

-John Green

Hello everyone,today is Sunday and every Sunday I write a post that is not book-related but is in fact either my thoughts on something or just a poem.Last Sunday I posted a poem –the consequences of leaving and today I thought I’ll write about something I’ve been wanting to write about for many weeks but never gotten around actually writing it because maybe I was scared of um.. putting it out.


I have never been able to express something properly by talking,I’m better at words when I’m writing it down and maybe that is one of the reasons I started blogging.I wanted to write,write about books,about people,about my personal life but I never got around to actually write something about me,not because I was afraid of sharing it with you all but because I was afraid about a family member or a friend finding this blog and reading about things I don’t talk to them about.There’s a fair chance that someone close to me is reading this right now but today,I won’t stop and care because this is my site and I’m free to write about anything or anyone.

The above mentioned John Green quote is my all time favorite not because JOHN GREEN has written it but because I agree with him and It’s beautiful.We all had a difficult time in our life at some point when it was hard to do anything except to curl up under a blanket and cry or lock ourselves in a room and ignore everything-life.The reason maybe anything small or big but then it seems like the end of the world.Maybe this was the case with my batchmate who jumped from the 3rd floor of our school in an attempt to commit suicide.He broke his leg and spine but he is still breathing.I won’t go into the depth of this matter because I feel like I don’t want to freshen up the ‘memories’ of that incident.However,as many of you know that my favorite book is All the bright places by Jennifer Niven and my favorite author is Jennifer Niven not because she wrote that book but because she is a wonderful human being,I say this because she has dealt with a lot in her life,she has lost a mother,a father and a boyfriend.She didn’t go insane or tried to kill herself,she wrote,she wrote books and I adore her for that.I,on the other hand tend to create problems and then cry about it.The worst thing is that I don’t stop,I destroy myself in every single possible way by just only thinking.Thinking about things that I was supposed to forget or things I shouldn’t even think about.

Someone once asked me why I read.I just said that I read because I love books,but I left a whole other detail.I started reading books when I was in grade 3 or 4.The first book I read was Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carol,I remember loving it and wanting to read more books.That is how I started reading but I fell in love with reading just about 1 or 2 years ago.Last year in August,I realized something and just that realization made me insane.I could’t sleep and I don’t mean it in a poetic way,I actually couldn’t sleep.A day was fine but then I found myself constantly sleep deprived.At nights I was scared and not of ghosts or goblins or witches but of dying.I know it sounds stupid but my heart beat was so fast and I was so confused that it led to me concluding that whenever I’ll close my eyes-I’ll die.Whenever I did close my eyes,I heard noises and voices of people-friends and family saying something I couldn’t understand.I used to freak out and open my eyes and find myself shivering or sweating.After a few months,it went away but then something again happened in my life that provoked my ‘night fears’,only this time it was worse.I could sleep but I had nightmares of being paralyzed and dreams of me dying.It was so so so bad that all I did was cry,I cried about everything and everyone and I was too scared to talk about it to someone.Everthing was driving me insane.The only good thing about that time of my life was that I read more than usual,in fact all I did was read.I read cute romance novels and somehow it helped me in stopping my dreams,all I did at nights was picture the cute scenes from the books I read,in my mind and drift off to sleep in hope of that someday those things will happen with me also.Again,I know stupid but it worked.Soon,I found myself watching videos of booktubers and reading book blogs,I was slipping away from what was real but I enjoyed that feeling.So the conclusion is that I read to escape,I can deal with dragons and fictional deaths but I can’t deal with making real life decisions.#Sorrynotsorry

I actually have very little idea about what I just wrote but I hope it made sense to you.Maybe you found it relatable or you thought I wrote shit,but I felt really nice writing it all down.

Chat with me about ….*awkward moment* whatever I just wrote and what did you get from it.

TILL NEXT TIME!

Love,

Anushka.

 

 

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13 thoughts on “Random Musings|Chat with me!

  1. Books are one of the best forms of escape. Because when you are reading, you are transported to their world. It was better you read romance books during that time because they are fluffy and light and that’s the world you needed to see at that moment.
    The fear of death is a strong one, but we musnt let the fear of death stop us from living. Because then what’s the difference?
    The awareness of death is what should make us live out lives to the fullest and not what should make us live like we are dying.
    You went through difficult times and it’s a good thing you wrote about this because it’s actually therapeutic.
    Hope you never have to go through that again.
    Later.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m so glad you found an escape in books (they really are wonderful for that sort of thing), but I hope that someday you can get to the point where you can enjoy your life fully and without that all encompassing fear. I hope it helped to write about it and that things get better for you. x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You’re spot on. I’m an insomniac married to a wonderful man – trouble is he snores. Dreadfully. And lying in bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark listening to that terrible noise while tempted to push a pillow over his face puts me in a very, very bad place. So these days, I read, or get up and go downstairs, switch on the computer and work. I get a great deal done and am a whole lot more chirpy without letting those dark, nighttime thoughts pollute my persona. Books are my delight and my escape, too:))

    Like

  4. It doesn’t matter what others thing, you’re dealing/ have dealt with a lot and it’s super you’ve written it all out. Writing is an extremely powerful therapy. Please release more of it without a care in the world. I totally get why you’re so apprehensive that’s the reason I don’t use my real name in my blog. Honestly, self comes before anything else. Protect yourself and do whatever it takes. In case you want to overcome your fear of dying or any other fears, I suggest you pick up the book ‘Feeding your Demons’ by Tsultrim Allione. It’s awesome. It’s very adult but it might resonate with you. Or there are lots of other meditation etc. I hope you feel better.

    Like

    1. And thank you so much for writing this it makes me so happy to read all the comments because it shows that you all understand and I’m grateful for that!
      I’ll be sure to check that book out.
      Thank you so much.

      Like

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